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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.