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Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Soup of the day: Beer
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.