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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Iām gonna have to get new pets, Iām running out of passwords.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Iām taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
When my kids grow up, Iām going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say Iām bored & then just leave!
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.