Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.