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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.