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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.