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If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
I play hard to get along with.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver