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I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what