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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Iām not fat... my stomach is 3D.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and Iām still at work.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)