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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
YouTube "This video is not available in your country". where the hell am I from? NARNIA?
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly