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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"