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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.