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Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy