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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.