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I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Mondays should start at noon.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook