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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.