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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
about love
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.