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Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.