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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie