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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.