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Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.