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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.