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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t