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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
Never trust a skinny chef
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.