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There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.