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A wise man once said nothing.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.