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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.