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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!