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this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.