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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.