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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.