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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.