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I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.