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Cashiers are always checking me out.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.