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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.