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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
TEIAM - problem solved
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."