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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.