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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.