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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.