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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
it`s friday o clock
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.