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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.