Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."