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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."