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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything