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People will do odd things to get even.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box