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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.