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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave