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I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.