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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?