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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.