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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"