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My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.