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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.