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Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.