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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.