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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Somedays I could do without the life lesson
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.