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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal