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Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.