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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while Iām awake to maintain my yearly average.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.