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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4