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Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.