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There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...