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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.