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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.