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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
I am the bestest at the English language...
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING