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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"