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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
Happy people don`t take long showers.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.