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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.