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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
My password is SupermanHulkThorGoku, that`s the strongest password I can think of.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
This century is already 15% over.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.