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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.