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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.