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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!