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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.