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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?