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Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.