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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
I would call my fashion style: β€œclothes that still fit.”
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself β€œEnough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. β€œβ€¦you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?