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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?