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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.