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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.