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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.