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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted