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Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
I dream about naps.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”