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I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Been there, done that. allegedly
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.