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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!