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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Condoms prevent minivans.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.