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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
My body needs a refresh button.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.