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Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
exercise........you mean extra fries
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!