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I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun