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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now Iām gonna be up all night worrying.