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I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.