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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Happy people don`t take long showers.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.