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Three things Iām thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)