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Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.