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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.