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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.