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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.