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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.