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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.