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Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things