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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.