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If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.