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Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don`t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"