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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
i just accidentally used AOL online, im betting the workers there are celebrating and think they have a chance in the future. lol
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"