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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?