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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.