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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".