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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.