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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.