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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.