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Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care