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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!