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Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.