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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
I try not to limit my madness to March.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.