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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.