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You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?