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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
thinking men should come with a carfax....
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.