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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
Is Nudeism a religion?
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.