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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.