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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell