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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....